


I Don't Even Know Who To Miss

by SherlockWolf



Category: Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Canon, at least for the moment, mostly cloud's introspection about how confused he is, post FF7 remake
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-02-23 11:10:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23710576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SherlockWolf/pseuds/SherlockWolf
Summary: It wasn’t until a few nights later, when they’d reached a small desert town and a hotel with a roof he could escape to, that Cloud got to be alone. He hadn’t been truly alone since he stepped foot in Midgar, but that realization had yet to sink in among the past week of insanity. Compounding his loneliness, the walk across the desert put him in a stupor of longing for something that or someone who he either couldn’t remember or had never met.
Relationships: Tifa Lockhart/Cloud Strife, Zack Fair/Cloud Strife
Comments: 14
Kudos: 97





	I Don't Even Know Who To Miss

It wasn’t until a few nights later, when they’d reached a small desert town and a hotel with a roof he could escape to, that Cloud got to be alone. He hadn’t been truly alone since he stepped foot in Midgar, but that realization had yet to sink in among the past week of insanity. Compounding his loneliness, the walk across the desert put him in a stupor of longing for something that or someone who he either couldn’t remember or had never met.

And so he sought solitude, a roof, and, finally, some stars, to give his mixed up mind the space it needed to tie itself in knots. The hurricane of confusion and guilt and loss threatened to consume him behind his quiet, reserved exterior. And the hurt. The hurt of thousands of innocent people, of Jesse, Biggs, Wedge, all lost to a company he himself had once fought for. Security officers who were doing their jobs, thinking they were on the ‘right side’.

That man who had recognized him, by the battle simulator in the Shinra building…Cloud couldn’t remember him. Shouldn’t he remember a man who claimed to know him, be his friend from ‘training’? Strange, considering SOLDIERs had separate training from general security…

Tifa was stronger than himself, he reasoned, to be able to let that hurt out rather than keep it in her heart. She, at least, had never been a Shinra employee. That he had once been a SOLDIER for such despicable people marred his pride. But, at least he’d gotten out. At least he now knew the horrors of Shinra, and had some ability to _do_ something about it rather than follow along like a trained dog.

Cloud had always been a man of action, SOLDIER or not. That which he couldn’t take action toward frustrated him. And the strange interruptions of his mind, memories that felt like his but couldn’t be, frustrated him as much as they confused him. For a while, the images had made sense—his childhood home burning, his mother with it, Sephiroth stepping from the flames; Tifa crouched over the body of an unknown man; Tifa, sword in hand, walking toward Jenova to end the pain it caused her; Sephiroth taunting him about his weak state, showing him a reality of meteors and each of his friends dying with no way for him to stop it; Sephiroth dying at his own hands, not Tifa’s, never Tifa’s.

Sephiroth, the man who had caused him so much grief, had offered him seven seconds to…to act. On something. But when would those seconds come? What kind of decision would he have to make?

_The future is not yet set in stone… Defy Destiny with me…_

It made sense that Sephiroth would want Cloud to join him, when Destiny was pointing in the direction of his defeat at Cloud’s hands once more.

But Aerith…what future was she hoping to avoid? Did she even know? Had the planet given her some knowledge she was hiding from the rest of them?

And then, the stranger. A man with raven hair in a SOLDIER’s uniform carrying _his_ sword. A man Cloud had never seen. Why did they share the same sword? How could he not know a fellow SOLDIER, yet remember someone he’d never known?

The man’s earnest, mako-infused eyes regarded him from his memories, making his head ache and heart drown in consuming _longing_.

If Cloud knew this man well enough to hurt from his absence, then why couldn’t he remember his _name_?

“There you are.”

Tifa’s voice withdrew him from his mind, pain fading like echoes through a canyon. Cloud opened his eyes to see her standing above him, face framed by the stars since her hair blended into the night sky.

“Hey.” He greeted and moved to sit up.

Tifa held out a hand to stop him, then laid beside him, legs dangling off the edge as his had been. Cloud turned his head to her rather than the stars, but Tifa trained her gaze skyward.

“I know it’s only been a couple years, but it feels like forever since I’ve seen stars, I really can’t get over it.” She murmured, crimson eyes twinkling with joy.

“Yeah.” Cloud agreed, though it had only been weeks since he’d last seen stars.

He wished it was only stars he longed for.

Tifa let out a heavy sigh, then gave him a side-glance as she asked, “Are you okay?”

Sometimes, Cloud wanted her to stop asking that. No, he wasn’t ‘okay’, but damnit if he was going to pretend otherwise until he shriveled up and died. He wasn’t like Tifa—vulnerability often felt like failure, and he didn’t want anyone to think of him as a failure, he wanted them to believe he was strong and powerful, could play the hero and _get it right_.

But Tifa knew him better. And she wasn’t afraid to be vulnerable around him, had shown him that it was okay to rely on others. All in a few short days, she’d helped Cloud so much. Perhaps he owed her the truth.

“I don’t know.”

Okay, not a total lie. A step in the right direction. Not wanting to give her opportunity to press, Cloud returned the question.

“Are you?”

Tifa shook her head, speaking slowly as though organizing her thoughts, “No. My second home has been destroyed, I’m chasing after a madman who, to be honest, should have killed us by now, and this boy I knew when as a child has come back and made me worry about him all over again.”

Cloud couldn’t help a small, flattered smile, “You used to worry about me, as kids?”

“Duh,” Tifa’s responded with a snort of disbelief at his ignorance, “You were always…by yourself, you’d never play with the rest of us. And I didn’t want you to be alone, so yeah, I worried.”

Cloud didn’t understand. He’d been by himself? He thought he and Tifa had been close…She must have meant the other kids in their neighborhood. He couldn’t remember any of them, so she was probably right.

“Oh.” Was all he could say.

They lay in silence for a while, which may have been relaxing if Cloud’s mind had the ability to turn off. Instead, images of the SOLDIER kept popping up, renewing his headache until he brought a hand to his forehead and pressed, trying to counteract the pressure. His eyes slipped closed with the effort.

A hand, gentle in his hair, ruffling with fondness but making the pain worse…When it disappeared, his heart wrenched.

_Come back…_ Words he couldn’t say, trapped in his throat, _Don’t go…_

“Cloud? I haven’t moved.”

His face felt wet, was it raining? They should go inside. But they were nowhere near a place with an inside, only desert for miles and miles…despair gripped him—no help would come.

“Cloud?”

He gasped, throat catching on a sob, forcing his eyes open. Tifa and stars came into view once again. He sat up, hunched over with his head in his hands. She shouldn’t see him like this…this…broken _thing_.

_Both…of us…_

He pitched forward, all awareness of where he was lost. Strong arms wrapped around his waist, pulled him backward, held him close with his side against their chest. A different hand stroked his hair to soothe him, fingers light and small.

_My honor…my dreams…yours…_

“It’s okay, Cloud. You’re safe, you’re with me. Shinra’s not here.”

Tifa’s voice floated through the tumult of gunfire. Hot liquid, viscous and sticky, clung to his face, making him itch. He moved to swipe it away, and when he did his gloved hand appeared smeared in blood. Another broken sob wracked him, and he curled further on himself and leaned against whoever was holding him. He kept staring at his hand, willing the red stain to go away. It wasn’t real, it couldn’t be real. Any of it.

Slowly, surely, it faded, until he could make out not just the glove but the roof and the soft glow of the lone streetlamp in the small town below. Tifa shifted under his weight, still holding him, waiting for him to come back to her.

He let the side of his head drop against her chest, relaxing though he didn’t dare close his eyes. Memories of the SOLDIER were the only thing that would meet him in the dark, and if he returned those memories would consume him.

“Cloud?” Tifa asked tentatively, hand in his hair coming to rest against his cheek, thumb stroking the bone.

“Yeah,” Cloud let out a heavy sigh, air pushing away the last tendrils of storm clouds, “I’m here.”

“Whatever’s happening to you, I promise I’m going to help make it go away.”

“You can’t promise that.”

“And you can’t promise to protect me. But you did anyway.”

Cloud huffed a laugh, “Yeah, well. I worry about you, too.”

Tifa held him a bit tighter, “Then I guess I’m in good company.”

Cloud shifted so the arm previously trapped between them went around the back of Tifa’s waist. Unknowing how to answer, all he could do was hope she was right.

~

Once the night grew too cold and their bones too stiff for them to remain outside, Tifa led Cloud by the hand back to the rooms they had rented for the night. They paused outside Tifa’s door, Tifa with her free hand on the handle. Cloud’s heart rate sped up, this time for a better reason than misery. She tilted her head back toward him, not enough for him to see her face, but enough for her voice to carry properly.

“I don’t want you to be alone. Is that okay?”

He could barely choke out an affirmative—she was too much for him, sometimes. Tifa led him inside, and Cloud closed the door behind him. His sword was safe in the room he was supposed to be sharing with Barret, Aerith was in her own room—something about sleep talking—so his mind was focused on one thing as he followed Tifa to the bed—until morning, he was going to sleep in Tifa’s arms. In truth, he was grateful to her. He never would have asked, but when the other choice was to spend the night alone, he much preferred her company.

Once she had removed her shoes, suspenders, and armor, Tifa took the side closest to the window, wriggling under the tightly made-up covers and lying on her side with her back to the wall. Cloud felt stiflingly awkward as he followed suit, removing shoes and armor. He would feel silly lying in a bed with his pants and shirt, but he wasn’t remotely close to ready to remove clothing layers around anyone, much less Tifa—Andrea’s stunt be damned.

“Cloud,” She sighed, a teasing lilt to the way she’d said his name.

“What?”

“You always…” She waved a hand dismissively, “Just get over here.”

He rolled his eyes, face heating because she’d definitely noticed his awkwardness, then joined her under the covers, turning on his side to face her. There was a moment where she studied her hands lying on the mattress between them, and he watched her face go on a journey of decisiveness. Then, she reached out and took one of his hands in both of hers.

“Goodnight, Cloud.”

“Goodnight.”

They made an unspoken agreement to close their eyes and keep them closed. Eventually, Cloud drifted off to sleep, comforted and protected from nightmares by Tifa’s hands on his own, the soft rhythm of her breath, and the twitch of her socked toes against his. As he faded from consciousness, a soft smile ghosted his lips.

_“Zack…”_

**Author's Note:**

> Hi I'm new to FF7 due to the remake and I read some wiki pages but like, that's all I got so if this is a bit funky in terms of canon...at least I tried xD
> 
> Anykittens, I had to get out some angst after reading said wiki pages so here it is. Hope y'all enjoyed, and as always let me know if there are any typos/grammar weirdness!
> 
> <3sherlockwolf


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